AWKWARD

I am awkward.

Okay, erase that... make it "I WAS awkward".

After missing three days of dance practices, I attended today's dance rehearsal and I don't think I performed well. I felt like I was a clumsy, ugly duckling in dancing.

I can't get the steps right.

I'm doing the steps wrong. (Is that the same thing?)

I get too dizzy with doing turns, I always mess up each time I did a turn.

I feel awkward with my movements, as if I don't dance at all.

It's like my body is not in synchrony with the music, my mind's not in beat with the song, my whole self is not one with the music.

I sometimes wonder where's that "swag" and "attitude" I showed when I danced my audition piece.

Right now, I'm a lost kitty, trying to bust the right moves along with the other members who seemed to be nailing each step almost perfectly well.

Oh and before I forgot, I'm getting stressed out whenever I remember that it's already next week when we'll be going to perform.

And I don't think I'm UP for that, I'm seriously NOT in my best term with the whole dance routines.

Can I just BACK OUT ... like right now?

Okay, okay, kidding.

I don't mean to give up just like that. It's just.. I'm being overwhelmed by a feeling of insecurity and fear. What will the audience think when they see me dancing.. especially dancing with an "inborn hand"? I am sure it will make a difference, since I can't do most of the hand movements as similar as what is taught. There's much difference, I tell you. Probably, that's where my awkwardness stemmed up from, at some point in time.

Another thing is ... this issue about  "guy-in-my-dream-oh-so-cool-choreographer-slash-dancer" member. He was the one teaching the next dance piece where I'm all awkward and lost. He's just good, I just appreciate how he grooves and bust those moves of his. BUT, one thing that kind of put me on guard is THAT moment... the moment that completely surprised me.

He suddenly grabbed both of my shoulders when he tried walking beside me. I mean, okay, I don't want to create any meaning  on that.. I am just genuinely SHOCKED. Seriously, I'm okay with it if we're already more than acquainted. Until now, I still can't interact with him as crazily as I want to.. well, I joked around him slightly before practice, but that's all it.

So, yeah. that completely froze me and I really have to force to shake myself out of the trance I was in and focused on listening to the song.

Really.

Seriously, I'm a bad case  this week. I just wish I'd be better by tomorrow's practice.

*sighs*

As you can see, I just ranted.

No pictures.

Boohoo.