ACHE

My body is hurting like crazy. More like, my legs are hurting like crazy. I can't even walk properly.

Basketball and dance practice were not a good combination yesterday, plus I got the "red visitor". How nice.

Talking about dance updates rather than body pain, I'm glad to say I'm nearly nailing the dance routine, the third one. If I could just make the turn as fast and graceful as possible, I can do the next move effortlessly. Sadly, yesterday's practice, I still can't get it right.

The president criticized my dance routine, as they were bit too fast. The song's mellow and slow, so if I dance in a rush, that won't look good and I will obviously stand out. So, I gratefully accepted the critic and let my body flow as smoothly with the music. Most of the time, I always ask. Seriously, especially when I am sure that I don't get the move right, I HAVE to ask or else. So, good thing, the president and vice president were very gracious in answering my insistent questionings.

Just few more days before the performance.. my very first performance as member of this dance organization, my first ever step to a higher level of performing. There's so much pressure and rambling thoughts going on in my head. What if they don't like my way of dancing? What if they just see my inborn hand and dislike me at one glance? What if I make a bunch of mistake and ruin the entire dance performance? I am literally freaking out inside. Just like in basketball, I thought I would make a good job since I've played well back in my college years BUT I mess up. Even if they say it's okay, I don't feel good. It's like I'm back in day one with playing that sport whom I've grown to love. Two years quickly wiped away whatever talent or skills I have in playing. I've always wanted to show to people I can do stuff well, especially that I have this inborn hand. I want to best and I want to prove to them I'm good. It's hard when you're all insecure and freaking scared what others might think. I've done a pretty neat job overcoming that but it's still coming back.

This is a huge leap of faith, you know, being part of this dance crew. At times, I wonder what they think of me when they watch me dance the routine, since I know I dance with a bit of difference (with my hand and all). I just don't want to ruin the group's performance or anything because of me. But I'm glad that I'm becoming much more comfortable with most of the members, at least I know I'm accepted.

The problem lies in me, I guess.

Right now, it's not the body pain that I am feeling anymore.

It's more of that personal ache, that pain of being talked behind your back one day, scrutinized for your handicap or mistakes ...

I just hope I'll come alive and stronger after all this experience..