ACHE

My body is hurting like crazy. More like, my legs are hurting like crazy. I can't even walk properly.

Basketball and dance practice were not a good combination yesterday, plus I got the "red visitor". How nice.

Talking about dance updates rather than body pain, I'm glad to say I'm nearly nailing the dance routine, the third one. If I could just make the turn as fast and graceful as possible, I can do the next move effortlessly. Sadly, yesterday's practice, I still can't get it right.

The president criticized my dance routine, as they were bit too fast. The song's mellow and slow, so if I dance in a rush, that won't look good and I will obviously stand out. So, I gratefully accepted the critic and let my body flow as smoothly with the music. Most of the time, I always ask. Seriously, especially when I am sure that I don't get the move right, I HAVE to ask or else. So, good thing, the president and vice president were very gracious in answering my insistent questionings.

Just few more days before the performance.. my very first performance as member of this dance organization, my first ever step to a higher level of performing. There's so much pressure and rambling thoughts going on in my head. What if they don't like my way of dancing? What if they just see my inborn hand and dislike me at one glance? What if I make a bunch of mistake and ruin the entire dance performance? I am literally freaking out inside. Just like in basketball, I thought I would make a good job since I've played well back in my college years BUT I mess up. Even if they say it's okay, I don't feel good. It's like I'm back in day one with playing that sport whom I've grown to love. Two years quickly wiped away whatever talent or skills I have in playing. I've always wanted to show to people I can do stuff well, especially that I have this inborn hand. I want to best and I want to prove to them I'm good. It's hard when you're all insecure and freaking scared what others might think. I've done a pretty neat job overcoming that but it's still coming back.

This is a huge leap of faith, you know, being part of this dance crew. At times, I wonder what they think of me when they watch me dance the routine, since I know I dance with a bit of difference (with my hand and all). I just don't want to ruin the group's performance or anything because of me. But I'm glad that I'm becoming much more comfortable with most of the members, at least I know I'm accepted.

The problem lies in me, I guess.

Right now, it's not the body pain that I am feeling anymore.

It's more of that personal ache, that pain of being talked behind your back one day, scrutinized for your handicap or mistakes ...

I just hope I'll come alive and stronger after all this experience..

AWKWARD

I am awkward.

Okay, erase that... make it "I WAS awkward".

After missing three days of dance practices, I attended today's dance rehearsal and I don't think I performed well. I felt like I was a clumsy, ugly duckling in dancing.

I can't get the steps right.

I'm doing the steps wrong. (Is that the same thing?)

I get too dizzy with doing turns, I always mess up each time I did a turn.

I feel awkward with my movements, as if I don't dance at all.

It's like my body is not in synchrony with the music, my mind's not in beat with the song, my whole self is not one with the music.

I sometimes wonder where's that "swag" and "attitude" I showed when I danced my audition piece.

Right now, I'm a lost kitty, trying to bust the right moves along with the other members who seemed to be nailing each step almost perfectly well.

Oh and before I forgot, I'm getting stressed out whenever I remember that it's already next week when we'll be going to perform.

And I don't think I'm UP for that, I'm seriously NOT in my best term with the whole dance routines.

Can I just BACK OUT ... like right now?

Okay, okay, kidding.

I don't mean to give up just like that. It's just.. I'm being overwhelmed by a feeling of insecurity and fear. What will the audience think when they see me dancing.. especially dancing with an "inborn hand"? I am sure it will make a difference, since I can't do most of the hand movements as similar as what is taught. There's much difference, I tell you. Probably, that's where my awkwardness stemmed up from, at some point in time.

Another thing is ... this issue about  "guy-in-my-dream-oh-so-cool-choreographer-slash-dancer" member. He was the one teaching the next dance piece where I'm all awkward and lost. He's just good, I just appreciate how he grooves and bust those moves of his. BUT, one thing that kind of put me on guard is THAT moment... the moment that completely surprised me.

He suddenly grabbed both of my shoulders when he tried walking beside me. I mean, okay, I don't want to create any meaning  on that.. I am just genuinely SHOCKED. Seriously, I'm okay with it if we're already more than acquainted. Until now, I still can't interact with him as crazily as I want to.. well, I joked around him slightly before practice, but that's all it.

So, yeah. that completely froze me and I really have to force to shake myself out of the trance I was in and focused on listening to the song.

Really.

Seriously, I'm a bad case  this week. I just wish I'd be better by tomorrow's practice.

*sighs*

As you can see, I just ranted.

No pictures.

Boohoo. 

TO DANCE.

This is officially my personal blog with regards to my life as a dancer in medicine school.
And apart from that, any details quite related with that.. like people involved, feelings, dance songs, dance steps... or even random practice days.
I want to be consistent with this blog, so hopefully I will also get to post pictures along the way.
But anyways, I am already officially a dancer of this troupe for more than a week now.

Cheers!
Let us dance to the goodness of life!